Thursday, January 26, 2012

My Moral Dilemma of the Past

I'm still friends on facebook with a girl I was close with from 4th grade until I graduated high school, although we haven't talked in more than a year. When I became passionate about God the fall of my senior year, things changed between us and I saw the distance grow further and further. However, I decided to message her just now because I genuinely am interested in how she is doing. As I clicked on the message button on her page, I saw some previous messages we had exchanged from two years ago. One message, from the fall of 2009, was a copy of a paper I was to turn in for an AP Composition class on a moral dilemma in my life. I just read it and smiled. I want to share it on my blog, mostly to have it somewhere where I can look back when necessary and see how God was always there, but also to maybe reach someone going through a hard time who needs a reminder of how God rewards when you trust in Him. The moral dilemma I wrote about was choosing Heavenly love over earthly love. I changed the name and a location in it because I thought it to be more appropriate. This piece reminds me of my trust in God and my love for writing. Anyways, here it is:

"He Who Gives Me Strength" (My Moral Dilemma Paper)
My faith is my life. Sure I’ve had my questions and my doubts at times, but overall, my faith and relationship with God is what makes me who I am. Until recently, I had traded what I knew God wanted for me for my own personal desires. Summer 2007 was when everything changed for me. I was an impressionable fifteen-year-old girl hoping for a summer romance, such as the ones I had constantly read about in my novels. Every summer my family traveled to a resort in Wisconsin. Summer of 2007, I told myself, would be different. I wasn’t going to be the same shy, naive girl anymore.

When I spotted Noah down the hill upon my arrival, I knew my dreams of obtaining a summer romance would come true that week. I was not planning on maintaining anything serious with this boy from Michigan. Everything about him seemed to be a foreign concept to me: he was the varsity football player and I was the girl that sat quietly in class with my head buried deep in a book, he was the extrovert and I was the introvert, he loved talking while I enjoyed listening. As different as we seemed, it was hard to deny our similarities. We both enjoyed learning, nature, museums, laughing, food and music. For as many differences we had, there were at least twice as many things we shared in common.

After departing from our Wisconsin haven, I back to Minnesota and him back to Michigan, I felt something strange going on inside of me. I was shocked to find him constantly on my mind. We continued to talk over the phone daily. In the spring of 2008, Noah took a chance and asked me to be his girlfriend. I was terrified of the way he made me feel because I was unfamiliar with such feelings. I had never been on a date, yet alone had a boyfriend!

We reunited in our Wisconsin sanctuary in the summer of 2008. Everything felt right there, like nothing could ever possibly go wrong. That week, Noah gave me a small ring. To the eye, it wasn’t anything grandiose and I’m not sure exactly what significance it carried with it, but it was extravagant to me. Looking down at that shiny ring on my hand got me through the long months we would spend apart. It made me feel whole in some way, as if it was the missing piece, filling the gap in our disconnected puzzle.

In total, I saw him a few times a year. It was painful and my heart was constantly aching. I never questioned Noah’s faithfulness to me. He was my best friend. We knew everything about each other. The more serious we got, the more he talked about the future. I wasn’t sure what I wanted for myself. I knew that I loved him and that I would do anything for him, but I was also reminded of our differences in religion from time to time. I loved reading the Bible and growing in my relationship with God. I had grown up knowing Jesus and loved learning more about Him. Noah did not have much knowledge on the topic and didn’t seem as interested. I constantly wondered how difficult it might be to remain faithful and keep my promises to God when the boy I loved did not know of this greater love that I had for my Heavenly Father. “Maybe,” I thought, “I can tell him more about God and he’ll start to grow!” Deep inside, I knew that I couldn’t change Noah. Noah respected my beliefs, but would not learn to love God through me. If he wanted to grow, he would have to do it on his own.

As the summer of 2009 slowly passed, I started to see more differences appear between us. I sometimes questioned why these things were becoming more apparent, but I tried to put them aside. In the last week of August, I could not ignore my feelings any longer. Noah was frequently talking about our future together. I believe that God put feelings of distress and doubt on my heart with a purpose. Because my faith is so important to me, I’ve always known that marrying a Christian man would be in my cards. I’ve always dreamed about marrying someone who could help me to grow in my faith everyday. Along with the fact that Noah was my first boyfriend and that I am only seventeen years old, I also recognized that Noah could not provide me with the growth that was necessary for my relationship with God.

During the last week of August, I broke Noah’s heart. Neither of us saw it coming. It happened in the only way we could communicate, over the telephone. I listened to him cry and said my last goodbye. It broke my heart to know that I was causing him such pain. In the weeks following, it was hard to remain positive. Looking back on it, I know I gave up a huge part of who I was for two years. I lost a best friend and my first love. Looking at what I gained for my future though is something that keeps me motivated. I know that although it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, it will be worth it in the future.

I have never felt so strong in my faith and I thank God daily for the strength He provides me with to keep me moving. Although my moral dilemma may seem somewhat cliché, I believe that nothing is more important than my faith and I know now more than ever that I would sacrifice anything to remain close to God.

I could cry thinking about how amazing God is! Well, I often do cry about it haha! God completely rewarded me for following His will and I know with absolute certainty that He placed those thoughts on my heart and mind so that I would find a man who loved God first, and me second. I am so happy for choosing the hard road to pursue God's will for my life! It has been almost three years since I wrote this and I am able to see the wonderful growth I've had in my relationship with God and with others! As I said at the end of the paper..."it will be worth it in the future." It has been and has made ALL the difference in my life :) Josh is truly my gift from God as he puts God first and helps me to strive to do the same! I hope this serves as a great reminder to someone today that even though you may have a hard decision to make or you may just be so hopeful for a guy that you'd be willing to settle for less than someone who is crazy about Christ, God will ALWAYS reward you for following HIS will above your own. He is the most faithful and loving God and my story is a true example of this! Hang in there my single ladies! God is looking out for you and your future husband! I hope you all have a great night! :)



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